post from prague for emily

it's 6:29 AM in prague and i have not slept nor will i ever for the rest of my filmmaking career.

abyss'

the past six months, the next ten months. instead of stating it all, i will just state what it's been and what it is and what it will be:
-evanston, illinois
-amherst, massachusettes
-san francisco, california
-amherst, massachusettes
-evanston, illinois
-chicago, illinois
-milwaukee, wisconsin
-evanston/chicago, illinois
-new york, new york
-evanston/chicago, illinois
-london, united kingdom
-prague, czech republic
-berlin, germany
-evanston, illinois
-knoxville, kentucky
-amherst, massachusettes
-chicago, illinois
-?

this time, i really do plan on cubicles not being a part of the picture

we chased it out with a broom to the sky

there is a beautiful gold light shining into my room right now and it is making everything all glowy.

if my parents were never around, i would love to make this house into a collective of sorts. where haggard and weary travelers come to sip perfect coffee on the porch. and in exchange they would just tell me stories from the road. or the sky. or outer space. i would take them to places where you climb and sit and jump and walk. and they would suggest good books.

i guess i love it when people come through because i get to be vicarious and this house gets a feel it's never had before and makes everything different and interesting. and bats even come inside and fly around.

i can't imagine ever leaving this room.

where the heart is

son of a bitch! it smells like shit here!

-mother

...and you, yes you

i feel like i've lost touch with practically everyone.

and you and you and you!

a sordid and unintentionally comprehensive pitchfork review from the cubicle

so pitchfork music festival was this past weekend and it was beautiful. the key moments went a little something like this:

if you're reading this and you know me somewhat well, you know my recently past obsession with beirut and it's lead singer, zach condon. so seeing him was a MUST. the problem- the two bands that were the main reasoning behind attending the festival were beirut and matt & kim. days before the festival i went through the schedule and realized that they were playing at the SAME TIME. this killed me. absolutely crushed my soul. i spent days agonizing over this, trying to decide what to do. i came to this conclusion: although matt & kim are pretty much my current idols, and their shows are SOOOOO FUUNNNNN, i've seen them twice. and about a year/6 months ago, beirut was my #1. he was my AIM buddy icon, he was my desktop background, i'm sure he was my facebook profile picture at one point. i was infatuated with him. i had every single song of his, and many videos, listened to nantes, scenic world and elephant gun on repeat. because of this, he's my most listened to artist on last.fm. his voice wooed me into oblivion. and i could NOT get enough. all that was left to do was to see him live. and then prmptly start dating him of course. SO although, i had ceased my total obsession with the guy, i kind of owed it to myself to see him. so i did. and i had a semi well planned plan to get right up front. i wanted eye contact. i wanted to see the shape of his cuticles and the drops of sweat on his brow. i wanted him to know i exist, even though he has no idea who i am, i would be just a body in the crowd, but one visible to him. one who's facial features he can define. BUT getting that close didn't really work out. i mean, we did have to eat. so we figured we'd scarf down some [unbelievable] tempura in the crowd and then make our way up. what i should have done was brought granola bars and staked my place as early as possible, so i could reach that bar. but alas, other things happen and i still had a rather killer spot practically right in the middle of the crowd. we got high. real high. and he started playing. and i don't even really know how to explain this, but, something in me happened. i had a perfect and clear path through the crowd to him on stage. i could see him perfectly, he was right in front of me, albeit far away, he was there, he existed, i existed, we existed in the same time and place and he was THERE, right THERE, playing for me. and no one else. i saw him. and he was playing for me. i swayed. and sang. and then got dizzy. after about 3 songs, my concentration with his beauty broke. and i had to get out. although he was the most beautiful creature i had ever seen exist in front of me, although he was playing ALL of my favorite songs, every single one, although i had fallen back in love with him during those moments, it was too much. i couldn't handle the emotion, i thought my heart was going to explode and my head dissipate into the thick of the crowd. the same thing had happened last year at pithfork during animal collective. the emotion and passion they displayed was so beautiful it was unbearable. so i told my friends i couldn't handle it, i was tingly i was dizzy i was nauseous, and had to get out. at least a little bit. i needed grass. i need to sit. i fantasized every single person around me suddenly dissapearing and me floating onto the ground while zach still crooned away, for no one else but me. i would lay in the grass of this field, completely alone, and he would continue playing as if nothing had happened. it would be perfect. i would be relaxed. and then i looked around and realized that was not going to happen and i had to immediately get out. douglas saw my panic and agreed with it and because he is 7 feet tall and i am not, he triumphantly led the way out and i followed behind, coyly smiling at the giggling crowd we were passing through. and found a patch of grass and collapsed. and listened. and i was sad. but convinced myself that it is about the music, that it is about listening much more than seeing, no matter how much physical love i have for zach. so it was alright. then he SEEMINGLY ended and the rest of the crew found us and we made our way over to the end of matt & kim. but to my sadness, beirut was not over. and at one point, i was standing between the two stages and could hear both bands playing at the same time. i paused. my heart split in two. one went back to where it was, regretting the decision to leave, and one lunged forward to matt & kim. my feet followed the latter. and due to inebriation my mind completely let go of beirut and forgot everything that had just happened and engulfed itself in daylight and silver tiles and it was kind of perfect because in those last 10 or so minutes i experienced, they played the songs i was lamenting over not hearing them play when i made the decision to see beirut instead of them. so, i got what i partially wanted. i got a little bit of both instead of a lot of one. which i still can't decide if that's what i wanted or not, but regret is fruitless so i suppose i need to just revel in the fact that i HEARD them. i saw no sweat on the brow, but i was there and they were there and we were all there together in union park in my chicago, illinois. MY chicago, they were in my town and i heard them live (take your pick for which "live" that is) and i got to dance and sing and shout to my two favorite music groups. and if i've done that, then i'd say i achieved some sort of satisfactory goal. at music festivals, perfection in anything executed is a distant thought. when it reaches somewhere close to that, everything is swell. so everything that day was swell. albeit cute rain drops, i discovered the grooviness of yeasayer. and the black lips singer smashed his guitar on the first song. owen pallett of final fantasy was adorableness at it's most talented. fucked up was... fat and hairy. pains of being pure at heart were not so memorable but i do remember enjoying them. after the black lips i got an ice cream cone and sat on some grass and listened to the end of the national and everything felt pretty perfect. any paranoia and panic i had previously had from being surrounded by people and bodies was melted into the chocolate chip cookie dough i had purchased for cheap from a VERY enthusiastic bearded man behind the counter. either he was acting like a maniac all day or it was the end of the day and he was really stoned or he knew i was really stoned and was making fun of me because his compatriots were laughing, but i didn't really care and went along with the jaunt because i just wanted to be saved by ice cream.

due to a HARD sleep that night (i don't really know how else to describe it, but i don't think i had every slept that HARD before), douglas and i didn't get there until about 3 the next day. but there wasn't anything we wanted to see for another hour, so i sat in grass and smoked a cigarette and he went to look at records. i met up with some kids and we saw the thermals, of which i was only slightly familiar with, and they ruled. it was a killer show and we even sat for some of it and a girl came up to me and asked if she could bum a cigarette and i said sure, they're rollies and she said ok and i handed her the pouch and she paused and looked at me sadly and asked if i could roll it for her. it was really very adorable. and i said yeah! and she explained that she tried rolling a joint once and it just did not work out. i told her that the only key to it is practice. and then she explained that she's quitting smoking and her boyfriend just went to the bathroom, so now's her chance. and then i handed her the cigarette, and she asked for a lighter and giggled, and i giggled and handed her one. and it was really all just adorable. even though i was feeding the addiction she was trying to avoid. i felt good for silly reasons.

grizzly bear was that night, and i was/am just in the thick of my obsession with them and this time had an actual plan to get to that bar when they played. i scoped out an opening at the other stage, where the walkmen were about to play, preceeding grizzly bear, and during the thermals last song, we made our way over there. the key to getting to the front of a crowded crowd at a show is via the sides. and timing. it's all about when you decide to get to where you wanna get. giving yourself much more time than you think you need is essential and you usually have to make several other sacrifices in order to stake out a spot. but if you do it right, it's so worth it and the experience is heightned because you spend the show with the band members, not smelly bodies next to you and the big hair in front of you. you get to know them by watching them so closely in the throws of their passion. it's such a different experience because it's so much more easy to concentrate on the music and appreciate the musicians when you can see the bends in their knuckles strumming the chords, not when you have to spend the entire time craning your neck to see the left foot of the bassist. i forgot about all of this during beirut, that working a crowd is a skill and there are many tricks to it. i tried to get in by just tiptoeing through the people from behind. this second day, i knew better, and was extremely determined. i needed to see grizzly bear and i knew i would have another panic attack if i was standing in the middle of bodies again, especially with those epic chords of theirs and the immaculate spliff i had rolled for experiencing them at their fullest. i wanted those chords struck in more instruments than guitars. in HEARTS. well, my heart. so we waited for the walkmen directly under the big screen, and within arms reach of the edge of the railing on the right side of the stage. as the time neared, and by the time the walkmen started playing, i was grabbing that fence and was not going to let go. i convinced friend ben that my idea was going to work and he made his way to me with company and izzy and christine left early to get flaming lips spots and my plan began to work and me and ben and company kept getting slowly pushed closer and closer to the middle of the stage. we grinned. and then the walkmen ended (and they rocked really hard, i didn't even realize it because i was there for grizzly bear, but i did a lot of dancing to them, a whole lot). and we waited. and my legs wanted to buckle from exhaustion before they even started playing. and then something in my plan malfunctioned and i lost my grip on the railing. but i was front and center. though 3 rows back, with 2 people in front of me. it was slightly frustrating because during the show i had to keep convincing myself i was alright and that i didn't need to hold on to that railing, and if i REALLY did, it was just right there. and everything was going to be ok because although i didn't have a grip on salvation, it was within arm's reach. i had lost douglas and company to the crowd. i told him i WAS going to get up front and no one was going to stop me, and i did, so he knew that's where i was going to be. and he was going to make it there too, and we were going to smoke our spliff and revel in bear glory, but he got stuck behind bodies and i spent the spliff with ben and friends and though they were appreciative, it got passed pretty far around, which was fine because i'm all about the shared love and think it's stupid when people are protective and inclusive of their pot, because it's supposed to make you feel good. so why not be nice about it? when that much care goes into the posession of drugs, you probably need to stop doing drugs. anyway, i felt completely guilty because it was supposed to be in the hands of me and douggy, but there wasn't really anything i could do at that point and i mean, the deed had to be done. it was a loaded one and i was going "oh yes oh yes oh yes" in my head while waiting for the band to play and then promptly "oh no oh no oh no" when i discovered the same panicky feelings i was feeling during beirut. and one of bens friends was talking about how my spliff just made everything better and he was in a terrible mood moments ago and now he feels completely awesome and can't wait for this show. so i smiled. even thoug i wasn't facing him. and convinced myself it's ok it's alright everything's perfect. and they started and the entire time they played there was all of this feedback and the speakers were making a very loud and obnoxious hum. that was sad. and the louder the hum, the worse i felt inside. at one point they were just standing on stage, staring around at eachother, stuttering into the mic "uh... umm... uh... i mean, ahh... we don't... we don't really know what to do... um... this is the part of the show where the stage hums..." and they stood some more. and it was the drummer's birthday, and then we the crowd started singing happy birthday to him and it was one of those moments. and they smiled and laughed and the hum stopped. and everyone was happy and relieved and they said "we really didn't know what to do there. it was one of those moments when you think absolutely everything is going wrong and you have no idea what to do next." and they played more. and 2 weeks was an unmentionable experience. i attained nirvana and wanted to call so many people and hold up my phone and sing "OHHHOOOOHHHOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!" into the reciever but i couldn't break myself from the beauty of those 4 minutes. and then the hum came back. and things were sad again and they kept shooting evil glares backstage but at this point it didn't really even matter and they just tried to drown it out by playing over it and it kind of became a joke. i hope. but nonetheless, i found god during that show and it was detrimental to my health in that it made me step out of my convultued and tumultuous spinning head, it made me take my hand off my pounding exploding heart, and threw me into this existence of sounds and sights and maybe gave me some permanent damage to my right ear drum. they were loud. and rightly so. and there were moments when me and the drummer found eachother and as he wailed and flailed, i daydreamed about our children.

the second they stopped playing, the flaming lips began their shenanigans. and i'm sorry, but they're a little ridiculous. this was my third time seeing them, and their charm had pretty much worn off. after grizzly bear, i wanted nothing other than to sit in the grass. so i did so. and friends found me and we lounged and watched on screen, and sometimes stood up to see in person, crazy wayne coin rolling around in a bubble on top of the crowd. AGAIN. the first time i saw him was at lollapalooza a few years ago and i had a pretty good spot, so good i could ALMOST touch his bubble (hehe), so good i had confetti in my hair for days and streamers wrapped around my entire upper body. the second time i saw them was at bonnaroo and me and ellie had decided to take mushrooms, but we were naive and swalloed capsules of "them" and it did nothing but make us cold and want to sit and giggle at things. so it was just like being a little bit high, which was fun and all, but pretty much ruined the concert experience because we really wanted nothing to do with it. so we didn't really experience it. and everytime i've seen him, he's done the EXACT same routine. the only difference was that the first time i saw them, the hot girls and boys dancing on stage were dressed as sexy santas and elves, the second time the hot girls and boys dancing on stage were dressed as sexy aliens and warewolves, and this third time the hot girls and boys dancing on stage were dressed as sexy cats and dinosaurs. i mean, that's hilarious and all, but cmon. cut it out already. depend on your music for fulfillment, not this silly entertainment. and all 3 times, he's rolled around atop the crowd in a giant clear plastic ball, like, don't you guys get it! he's physically telling you that he's above you! and everytime he litters the stage and crowd with TONS and TONS and TONS of confetti and streamers and literally thousands of huge ballons and all i think about is what the grounds crew is going to have to go through after this show is over and what they'll be mumbling to themselves as they're picking up pieces of confetting one by one out of the grass and what they'll be telling their spouse when they get home at 3 AM that night. there were so many oversized balloons that we, sitting in front of the grizzly bear stage on the other side of the park, were able to kick away balloons literally every minute. that shouldn't even be legal. we deduced that the reasoning behind this form of INYOURFACE show is because wayne spends so much time on stage talking. TALKING. talking talking talking about nothing. or maybe something, but you can't understand a word he's saying because he'll stop after every song and talk about the pursuit of happiness for a good 10 minutes straight and obviously the audience gets bored, so they are kept happy and fresh with all sorts of fun party favors that will never cease to entertain them. it's amazing how entertained an audience gets when they're waiting for a show to start and there's a blow up beach ball being bounced around. fans go NUTS for that shit and will give anything to make their mark on the world by hitting this ball of air as far as they can. AWESOME. so, it was kind of like that. i can respect the flaming lips, and i like their music i do, and at one point they were the focal point of my obsession, so i felt obligated to experience them this time, but after a while there wasn't even a point to being there and it was just getting silly. so me and douglas looked at eachother, and sylvia and new friend michela, and promptly left. calves hurt. eyes hurt. heart hurt. it was perfect because we didn't have to tromp and lose ourselves downtown in order to find a less crowded train like the night before, and just hopped on the empty seat filled green line, then brown line, then red line, then purple line. we transferred 3 times and it was such a smooth and completely painless process it was perfect and a bittersweet end to the night. bitter because it was the end, sweet because it was the end. we got home early enough to find lucy still awake from exploring the hip parts of town and hannah came over and we did backyard sitting smoking. and then i ate pancakes and fell asleep and woke up and went to the doctor.

Time Flies - Lykke Li (Dir: Will Galperin) (2009) from William Marshall Galperin on Vimeo.

most influential person of 2009: william marshall galperin. stay close please.