dumbstruck with the sweetness of being

i'm materialistic in that way. nostalgically.

oh i am so happy in my room now.
i am thinking i might not have to have that doctor's appointment after all.
because my job is back and the little one puts some light in my life
and now i can sit under nostalgia for the rest of my home daze and feel how i've always wanted to feel in a place i call my rooooom. my womb.
taking down that loft bed was one of the best decisions i've ever made. now i can ACTUALLY literally roll out of bed. instead of falling 8 feet to my death.
yes, i could sit here forever. staring at my walls, thinking of everything and anything and nothing at all. content. i have my own corner. :)


off to michigan. to woods to sun to sand to collaboration to inebriation to HAMPSHIRE.

i'm a chicagoan till chicago ends

favorite addie quotes:
"i'm small but i can do big things."
"words don't exist! words don't exist!"
"I WANT SUN! I WANT SUN! I WANT SUN! IIIII WAAAANT SUUUUNNNNN!!!!"
"you're only talking about the sand! what about the water?!"

i had a beautiful night on top of the city last night. took jenna on a date to that really bourgeois restaurant at the top of north point tower (oprah's prior residence. word.), where we could see the ENTIRE city with the most beautiful skyline in the world. and we were at the ONE spot in the city with thee most perfect view of it all. and then randomly fire works started going off at navy pier, right behind us. it was perfect. too bad it wasn't an actual date. too bad all the dates i have are with girls... i go on the best dates with girls. (because girls are better) the only flowers i've ever gotten have been from girls when i've gone on dates with them. discounting my parents at graduations and junk... but anyway, boys shouldn't even be allowed to go on dates. it should just be a girl thing. we're way better at it. we don't have to try as hard, we're naturally nuturing.



amiright?


i also had a dream last night where i found out both my parents smoke tons of pot. and my dad was partial to blunts.
how complete would my life be?

yes.

relief is a beautiful feeling.



("relief", according to google images. i mean, i guess that's an accurate portrayal of how i feel...?)



i had a dream last night where i wanted to photograph my footprint that i left on some table. i thought it would make a really beautiful image. and i couldn't decide if i wanted to use my digital camera or my pentax. decisions decisions.

and yesterday i had a nap dream where my dad was carrying around this nest of little artificial eggs, and he couldn't decide where to put it. he wanted to put it in the ground but i wouldn't let him because i said the cats would get it. mmmm symbolism. yum.

i should be in bed but i'm here instead

i am starting to look at your words differently. maybe because i am only looking and not reading. maybe because there is finally a distance, that i've just discovered. i am finally viewing myself a widow, as you are gone. because this is now. and that was then. and you are finally in the books, finally made it to history, so that you are intangible. i always knew you were a dream, just a good one. just.

heartache is heavier than the atmosphere. yes, STILL.

it's going to be a long time before someone like you comes along again.


and you're not reading this, i know. because you don't read me. and if so... well congratulations drifter, you found me out, blue handed. it doesn't matter anyway because we don't exist.

"i didn't know what would have happened though, maybe towers would fall, bridges break
well all that mystery is gone now...it'll seem to come back when we are at hampshire though" remember?

i was always just your idea. just.

magical babes

it's crazy incredible how every single stupid and terrible issue in your life seems to vanish when you're holding a newborn baby. even the terrible day/life altering ones that make you think the world is out to get you and there's nothing you can do about it and it's all you can think about. but then someone hands you a 3 day old BABY. and what else can you think but everything is perfect? gets me every time.

freaks and geeks

that is one of the best shows ever created
word
james franco is my ideal man
what episodes
um why is he so fucking hot?
I HAVE NO IDEA
when he smiles during the intro, i freak out
but it's out of control
hahahahah same!
that little grin
gets me every time
if i ever see him IRL, i'll just void my bowels and die
hahahah
i might not be held responsible for my actions
crimes of passion would ensue
oh you know it
steven left and i watched another episode and me and hannah just died every time he was on screen
I love when guys leave so I can swoon in peace
hahaha yeah
it's a good feeling
3:55 AM
but also a sad feeling because getting all hot and bothered over an image on screen is scary
yess true
because you knwo it's never going to happen
and the devastatingly handsome are never good news
oh i know
they reel you in with their cheekbones and then treat you like garbage
btu it doesn't even matter cuz they're so hot1
!
4:00 AM
!
you got it
it is basically worth it because their eyes turn your joints to jelly
yeah and who doesn't love some good jelly joints
it's like they can stab me in the face and then just smile and i dont care anymore
hahahahhaha
so true
i would give my face to get a smile from james franco
if i had a smile from him, just for me, I would stab myself in the face
hahaha
of course after making out with him
i think my mouth would go all slack and my eyes would roll back in my head before i could make out with him. my favorite episode of freaks and geeks is the one where he gets all punk as fuck
4:05 AM
ooh i havent seen that one!
i've only seen a few
man if we had guys like that in my freaking highschool, i never would have hated it so much
man, if we had guys like that at hampshire!
our lives would get 10X worse
only because our faces would be disfigured
but other than that
it would be pretty great
in the episode, he and kim fight, but at the end, he goes to her house and they have the cutest make up ever
EW I FUCKING HATE KIM
she's the ugliest girl ever born
i grew to love her
she's such a witch
she is cool! but not as cool as millie

uughfghheflkhjgyg

writer's block. agaaain. yay yay yay.

where does it even come from?!

peach ice cream is incredibly underrated. think of peaches. now think of ice cream. uhh BAM.

noggin

so i'm babysitting a 4-year-old full time for my summer job. i didn't realize the toll it would take on my vocabulary and general way of thinking. it's hard going from assuring her that the fly in the kitchen CANNOT hurt her and making sure she doesn't fall off the monkey bars, to smoking a j on my porch and talking about existence and things. that's what evanston summers are i suppose.
i know every show on noggin. and that stupid annoying moose and his creepy owl friend zee. yes, we understand you're trying to teach the little ones how to count and tell obvious differences between things, but "shorter taller" is NOT a fun game, let alone a game at all.
i babysat for 11 hours today. usually after about 4 or 5 hours i start to get that constant internal monologue saying how i really can't take this anymore. it's just so exhausting. but for some reason, 11 hours was pretty easy. maybe because she makes a really darn cute superhero.



i had no idea there was a supergirl...

what are rowdy adolescents doing in schoolbuses revving down chicago avenue at 3 A.M.??

lately, when i'm a little out of it and driving home at the early morning hours, i've been witnessing the strangest series of events. expectedly bleak, that is the hour when the most bizarre instances occur that only few can catch (hello), and when midwest wildlife is at it's peak.



i'm pissed as hell that they killed that cougar, tracked from SOUTH DAKOTA. why the fuck did they put illinois police in charge of that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. THEY'RE RARE. apparently, it is on display at the field museum. i want to go pay it homage. lay down some flowers.

To: Bill

Disconnected Nude


He frames her perfectly. Making sure she’s
nude,
demure,
but never trapped.
With skin melting
into the border,
and a beam of light
for an arm,
she gazes towards the bottom,
a direction.

Beyond these borders
are similar existences,
making her struggle barely comparable.
Her body is whole here
because she is in control of the
placement of her pieces.

Inside,
her exposure isn’t shocking, merely a separation
of body parts, disconnected, but still creating
a larger figure.
She appears to be holding her head, subject to Picasso
and a chilling grace.
Using dark and light to push her apart,
corner to corner.

She is thinking things we will never hear
thoughts held by a never-ending hand,
grappling with lips, half erased by her own shadow
coming to grips with a face, existing in only two dimensions.
Breast to elbow to wrist to hairline, invisible,
her connections flow with the ease of light
creating a sense of extreme contrast,
maybe between her expression, position, thought.
Singular.