adlai, adlai, what did you say?

"you're the best."
-addie, now 5

so. so so so.
in my spare time, i'm working for my dad in a cubicle. it's $10/hr, so that helps ease the pain a little, as much as i want to make database entry my career choice. it's ok though, because i get to hang out with adlai stevenson III. who's grandfather convinced honest abe to run for the presidency. thus, through connections, i convinced abraham lincoln to become president. neat!

we have this girl staying with us right now from niger. it's very interesting. she's here on a program that takes 3 girls from the top 10% of the country's brightest, and brings them too good ole america and teaches them how to empower themselves. how bitchin, right? she's the sweetest thing. she's an orphan. and completely shell shocked.

i mean, i guess i feel like i just had to update this. i've started a short story. due to the inspiration of the cubicle. EVERYTHING IS JUST SO GRAY. grey? (i can never decide.)

last night, i went a little wildlife crazy. geckos and snakes, really are underrated. i held the big one. all. night. i became addicted. i miss him. it was so therapeutic, to have a living breathing animal made entirely of muscle and beautiful soft scales wrap it's entirety around my arm, neck, etc. if i didn't have to feed it LIVE BABY MICE, i would have like 12 snakes. and just walk around with them.



(he's much oh much prettier)

thoughts

-these days are no longer romantic. two thousand eight. THOUSAND.

-fate is okay? getting used to the idea.

-i held a snake tonight, i felt beauty and the lightness of being. no second unbearable. i beat 3 boys in mario kart, played what i haven't played since that sillyness, first first first. the lightness of being. haha.
-they are ideas because i am thinking them, about.

-i did not dry my face.

-listening to DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE. feeling that feeeeeling, there's only one, everyone knows. and everybody knows it. (so i'm proposing a swift orderly change, etc.)

-the time for sleep is now. in the morning i will only think things.

escapade etcetera

emma's idea of a perfect wonderful beautiful perfect perfect perfect weekend:

-wake up in a pit of pillows, alongside much adored peers
-make a delicious breakfast of hashbrowns, eggs, toast, fruit, etc.
-eat breakfast alongside much adored peers
-sit for a little
-smoke a pre-rolled j
-hike alongside the ever lovely lake michigan to some dunes
-sit on said some dunes, get some tannies
-lie on the beach
-disregard underwear and shorts and swim around in the ever lovely lake michigan
-lie on the beach
-get approached and invited to a swingin party by hot sexy teens, pretend to flirt but really know they're incredibly lame
-lie on the beach
-hike back to books and fruit and more inebriation
-sit for a little
-eat for a little
-drink attempted daquiries for a little
-walk along the ever lovely lake michigan alongside much adored peers, looking for the swingin bonfire, find awkward families only and decide to sit a little and smoke a little and look only upwards into the breathtaking planets and things
-crawl back to books and fruit and more inebriation
-collapse in a pit of pillows, alongside much adored peers

oop. looks like i had a perfect wonderful beautiful perfect perfect perfect weekend! exactly what i needed. :)


on another note, i have a sinus infection. how can so much snot come out of one person's nose???

on another note, someone hardcore graffiti'd my dad's work door with pink and purple CHALK. hahaha not that funny

on another note, i miss ellie. a lot. my spouse my mouse.

on another note, i have a mosquito bite on my NECK. fucking vampire bugs.

on another note, i still really wish i could talk to who you used to be. missing that comfort...

dumbstruck with the sweetness of being

i'm materialistic in that way. nostalgically.

oh i am so happy in my room now.
i am thinking i might not have to have that doctor's appointment after all.
because my job is back and the little one puts some light in my life
and now i can sit under nostalgia for the rest of my home daze and feel how i've always wanted to feel in a place i call my rooooom. my womb.
taking down that loft bed was one of the best decisions i've ever made. now i can ACTUALLY literally roll out of bed. instead of falling 8 feet to my death.
yes, i could sit here forever. staring at my walls, thinking of everything and anything and nothing at all. content. i have my own corner. :)


off to michigan. to woods to sun to sand to collaboration to inebriation to HAMPSHIRE.

i'm a chicagoan till chicago ends

favorite addie quotes:
"i'm small but i can do big things."
"words don't exist! words don't exist!"
"I WANT SUN! I WANT SUN! I WANT SUN! IIIII WAAAANT SUUUUNNNNN!!!!"
"you're only talking about the sand! what about the water?!"

i had a beautiful night on top of the city last night. took jenna on a date to that really bourgeois restaurant at the top of north point tower (oprah's prior residence. word.), where we could see the ENTIRE city with the most beautiful skyline in the world. and we were at the ONE spot in the city with thee most perfect view of it all. and then randomly fire works started going off at navy pier, right behind us. it was perfect. too bad it wasn't an actual date. too bad all the dates i have are with girls... i go on the best dates with girls. (because girls are better) the only flowers i've ever gotten have been from girls when i've gone on dates with them. discounting my parents at graduations and junk... but anyway, boys shouldn't even be allowed to go on dates. it should just be a girl thing. we're way better at it. we don't have to try as hard, we're naturally nuturing.



amiright?


i also had a dream last night where i found out both my parents smoke tons of pot. and my dad was partial to blunts.
how complete would my life be?

yes.

relief is a beautiful feeling.



("relief", according to google images. i mean, i guess that's an accurate portrayal of how i feel...?)



i had a dream last night where i wanted to photograph my footprint that i left on some table. i thought it would make a really beautiful image. and i couldn't decide if i wanted to use my digital camera or my pentax. decisions decisions.

and yesterday i had a nap dream where my dad was carrying around this nest of little artificial eggs, and he couldn't decide where to put it. he wanted to put it in the ground but i wouldn't let him because i said the cats would get it. mmmm symbolism. yum.

i should be in bed but i'm here instead

i am starting to look at your words differently. maybe because i am only looking and not reading. maybe because there is finally a distance, that i've just discovered. i am finally viewing myself a widow, as you are gone. because this is now. and that was then. and you are finally in the books, finally made it to history, so that you are intangible. i always knew you were a dream, just a good one. just.

heartache is heavier than the atmosphere. yes, STILL.

it's going to be a long time before someone like you comes along again.


and you're not reading this, i know. because you don't read me. and if so... well congratulations drifter, you found me out, blue handed. it doesn't matter anyway because we don't exist.

"i didn't know what would have happened though, maybe towers would fall, bridges break
well all that mystery is gone now...it'll seem to come back when we are at hampshire though" remember?

i was always just your idea. just.