anticipate her, anticipator

i'm making a mix for my czech cousin. going through itunes. listening to old songs. being 15 being 16 being 17. clever graphic tees. not getting it yet, but getting there. feeling trappppped feeling awwwwwwkward feeling hormonal! sufjan stevens obsessed. postal service influenced. i had the t-shirt first.

but then i realize that i leave evanston to start my 2nd year of college the day after tomorrow.

!







times they achange.

sir realist

so i go back to the hampshire college in t-minus 3 daze. it's weird. i assumed i was going to be in evanston forever. i've been here since the beginning of may, with one lovely weekend in michigan and music festivals as vacation. this summer was such a staple to my emotional diet. it was definitely the most interesting summer yet, the most stressful the most busy possibly the most fun. and just completely over the top ridiculous. the zt b&b, is what we called it. due to the amount of humans coming in and out and in and out and in and out over the past 3.5 months. i've met more people than i thought i would, more has happened than i ever thought, ever bargained for. which is both good and bad. because it helped me mature yet again, even though i thought it couldn't go any further. but OH IT WENT FURTHER. i guess the lesson i've learned is that it always will. and i can't get invested in something that won't come back. as much as closure is needed, for me. in countless situations in just the past year, ive had to settle with telling myself "he's just crazy and crazy people can't explain themselves".

it's getting annoying. but that's been the only way i can move on without reasonable explanations given.

good thing i'm off to hampshire where everyone is so normal. what a relief that will be! wait. nope. just kidding.



this is what came up in google images under "crazy boy".

lack of somnia

moon is very bright tonight
think it might be full
maybe i won't sleep

inspired through my window
the sky is never ending
fish still swim upstream

therapy

i don't know what to do when it comes to other people's problems. anymore. i used to be all into giving advice and being all knowing about everything, which is totally still fun, but this summer has been such a distraction from caring about other people. i guess i've only been distracted by myself and my need to figure things out i have no idea about yet. so it's confusing. because how am i supposed put myself in the middle of someones plural when i can't put myself in the middle of me? and not come out a bad guy, assuming to take sides and etc. when really, i just go with whoever whenever wherever and don't think about any implications. oops.

that dream last night has kept me in a state very unattached to the real world. i keep thinking the joker ACTUALLY did try to kill me but i escaped through the window and ran through the streets calling people for help (including a someone that didn't really react, my un-home parents, the un-answering police) and trying to find my way home or just somewhere and ended up by train tracks with people i didn't know that were happy and helpful and comforting. and then i ended up in the same room with mr. joker while i was supposed to be hiding from him in a resort, i kept putting my book and magazines in front of my face so he wouldn't see me and well, try to kill me. that same someone was sitting and talking with him at the other end of the room. and i thought "ohhh ok, so that's why they haven't been calling. that would just be awkward." and didn't really think twice about this person cavorting with the enemy, the psycho trying to kill me. which made me kinda pissed when i woke up. woke up, at which point i opened my eyes to my room and my closet and my very safe life with no one trying to kill me. which was a huge comfort.

all the dreams i've had lately in which i'm running from something or someone or some psycho is trying to kill me (which is very recurrent...), there is never any reason behind the running away and the killing. why would anyone want to kill me? i never think about the reason, i just run like a maniac, sometimes panicked thinking my life is about to end, sometimes completely calm and just in the zone of escape.

gahh.

now i have to go to family dinner

me and ellie are wizards of the kitchen.
baking happiness into chocolate!

how brilliant!
we'll be filthy rich. filthy and dirty.

the bubble

i miss it so fucking much
i can't wait to go back
it's the only place i want to be right now

kids in their cars, cigarette smoking

he reminds me of my father if my father was a lunatic.
but taller and much wiser...
i held your hand on the 4th of june
you're lovely as the moon but darling you know i just can't love you.
there was a song you taught me and it sounded like the blues
if the blues was full of screaming and it had no other meaning

we spent a week on your lover's lawn
you said you never loved him
but back then you couldn't see him being gone
and you didn't think you'd live this long

but if there's something that i know it's that you did it for yourself if you included me and jim and tom and someone else
if i could hold you know like i did when you were leaking
and the blood was just a trickle in this flood of greater meaning
then i would tell you what i did back when you were here

and right here is where i'm staying and by god you know my love is going nowhere.



i had a dream this morning that reminded me of this movie for some reason. i'm pretty sure it was in black and white. i had just married a very classically handsome man. our bed was covered with wrapping paper from all of our wedding presents which we proceeded to throw to the side, in order to canoodle. hubby then goes "i hear something", and runs into the other room. i am not very happy that he did this. AT WHICH POINT, i hear a gunshot from the other room. i freak out and jump into the pile of wrapping paper between the wall and the bed, in order to hide, obviously. i cover myself completely and think i'll never be found, but 30 seconds later these two dudes who shot my beloved husband come into the room and find me. the end.

hmmm.

this is love, so will i survive?

it's really just a matter of confusion.
a familiar state, attributed to misunderstanding, misjudgement, miscommunication, and just general unfairness.
when the question marks dot themselves, there isn't really much we can do. no control, no avoidance, can't we all just talk to eachother??

this is how i feel:

searching through a messy room for a communication device.


lollapalooza was great. not as great as expected, but still real great. no more hampsters in the basement. no more love in my heart. just kidding. that's all i EVER have. and well, if everything went my way, you would have been there dancing next to me instead of the countless creeps trying to cop a feel. feels. plural. too bad things haven't gone my way since the womb.

on a more exciting note, DJ MOMJEANS. aka danny masterson. yes, you heard right. this beautiful boy:

is the best fucking dj in the world.

well. no. he's not. at all. BUT LOOK AT HIM. it was probably one of the most fun shows at lolla. missed rage against the machine and wilco for him. OOPS. anything for hyde. i've always had a gigantic crush on him, so it's very ok. AND his brother was there, francis from malcolm in the middle. i saw him groove. :)


haha